“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
me at the job i begged god for
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
