“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
