“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Would you wear it?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
found this cool rock hiking today
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
