“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
