I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻