Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

concern

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

How about daylight saves us for once

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.