I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
🤯🤯🤯
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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