I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
