I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
just got my engagement photos
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.