I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
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britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*