I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
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awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.