I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for