Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

more water

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice