Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Dammit Chief not again

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.