Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

respect

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.