Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

lol

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

All excellent questions

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

oh sorry i cant im busy that day