Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’