I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Sorry. Not sorry
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”