I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I stand by it
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.