Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

My dad is at it again

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.