Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Merica.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king