Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

A tragic love story in two pictures.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!