I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.