Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

i’m laughing very hard in real life

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

The most important meal of the day is the next one

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car