I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.