I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
