I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A short story about romance.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
some cats are just doing for fun!
