@eliserose5

I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

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@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

@PaulyPeligroso

90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.

@JillianKarger

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

@XnotafunnyladyX

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

@ChaseMit

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

@IRLPepperMD

[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”

@5hael

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

@chopper4jk

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.