I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

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Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job


90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.


ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help


My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.


Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target


Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.


[guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] “please go skiing with me I am so alone”


*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?


Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.


Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.