So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up