I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.

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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill


little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you


Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.


dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”


My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.


It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.


[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.


My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up