Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire