@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

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@Sarcasticsapien

Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.

@bossy_bootz

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

@TheMichaelRock

I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.

@mom_ontherocks

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

@jwoodham

Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.

@WilliamAder

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

@ForEllieSylvia

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

@yenniwhite

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

@jellybnbonanza

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.