@tweetsvisual

I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.

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@E_lok44

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

@juliothesquare

One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho

@TT_Sunshine_

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

@Ygrene

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

@flashember

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

@thepunningman

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

@JB4Realz

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

@AbbieEvansXO

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

@stevevsninjas

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby