If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.
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One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
You got this…
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby