Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
when dads have a rap battle
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently