Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.
I need some sun on this skin. I’m starting to look whiter than a Fleetwood Mac concert.
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Quidditch is my kind of sport. You don’t have to run, you get to sit the whole time, and if things aren’t going well you can just fly home.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
H: No, but whatever.
H: Nah, but your call.
He’s dead now
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.