Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

I think about this a lot

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.