Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is kidney

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

I’m being attacked 😭

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies