I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity