I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”