Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom

Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?