Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.