I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.