Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.

“Come on in for a Gouda time!”

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝