Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.