Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A completely valid reaction tbh

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

And they lived apathetically ever after.

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom