Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

a lot to unpack here

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”