I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
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how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I have so many questions.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
email: CC
my brain: corn cob