I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
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This is true.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.