I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
You Might Also Like
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.