Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Would you wear it?

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.