Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!