I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.