Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial