I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.