I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.