I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.