I need this for my side hustle.
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This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
britain’s three elite institutions
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.