I need this for my side hustle.
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Be vigilant
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.