I need this for my side hustle.
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen