I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine