Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

“The Perfect Relationship”

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

buying dead houseplants to save time

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off