I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
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Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
I am also baked goods
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what