I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then