I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…