I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Strangers have the best candy.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.