I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
You Might Also Like
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Grandmother clock.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Maybe Einstein also had a secret Twitter account where he argued with Marie Curie about why uranium is overrated and she needs to have more chidren
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive