I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
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I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
🐟✨ #re4
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy