I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.