I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
#Caturday
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.