Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em