Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Hot Panini is in big trouble