Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out