I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Meow
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you