I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.