I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!