I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
A bold strategy
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
😂😂
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.