I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
*pronounces patio like ratio
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they鈥檙e on sale*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pok茅mon players?
2) do I care?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
That 馃憡
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
SORTING HAT: this kid鈥檚 a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”