I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
January has been Januweary
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
