I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.