Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*