Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.