*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Florida man
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere