I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.